Today was very emotional for me for many reasons. When I wake up early in the mornings, I start my prayers. This morning that included listening to an Advent podcast on the Hallow app. Over the past few weeks the focus has been on a book called, “A Severe Mercy”, by Sheldon Vanauken. It is about the conversion and subsequent struggles of a young couple. Today’s entry described the death of Sheldon’s wife. The couple had given themselves over to God’s Will. After this passage, a Sister recounted the death of her father. By the end of her story I was weeping. I tried to pray through it to gain some peace, which I did eventually. As I was scrolling through my morning information, I came across the quote, “Sometimes I wish for you to come back, but I don’t want you to suffer again. I know you are with me and I will always love and miss you with all my heart.” Such truth put another lump in my throat. Later I visited a friend whose husband passed away. We shared feelings about Christmas preparation and grieving, and cried. We took solace in knowing that we understood each other. I stopped and chatted with my daughter in law. Her sister sent her a photo of her parent’s house where she grew up. It was recently sold after her mother died. We were both teary eyed. On the way home I was listening to the Christian Christmas station. Just before I got home, the song, “Different Kind of Christmas” by Mark Schultz, came on. I had never heard it before. The lyrics included such heartbreaking lines as, “There’s just a million little memories that remind me you’re not here” and “There’s one less place set at the table, One less gift under the tree, And a brand new ache to take their place inside of me, I’m unwrapping all these memories, fighting back the tears, It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year.” More crying and asking God why He was torturing me so today. The song ended with, “I realize what’s still alive is the legacy you made…It’s time to put the candles in the windows, And lights up on the tree, Its time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be, Just because you’re up in heaven, doesn’t mean you’re not near…
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year.” Contemplating this day helped me to see things in another light. The sadness will come one way or the other. Clinging to God and the hope of His promise of an  everlasting life of love also brings emotions and tears. But they are of gratitude for the time with my parents and the life and faith they have given me. I anticipate the emotional rollercoaster to continue, and I hope to ride it with honesty and humility. I believe these struggles help me to lean on Him.

I Found God today in tears of sadness, pain, faith, and love.