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No Room

Last night I saw a video of a woman who died when she went over a waterfall kayaking. She said at that moment she was given a choice to follow God or not. She chose to accept God’s will no matter the outcome. Her experience of life after death was fascinating and heart wrenching at the same time. What struck me most was her statement that when you are in God’s presence, there is no room for any negative thoughts or feelings such as guilt, regret, fear, etc. God’s immense love permeates and replaces anything contradictory to Him. I pondered that for a while and thought how wonderful that would be. It may not be completely possible on this side of Heaven, but I can try to remember this and allow Him in just a little more when I am experiencing negative thoughts.

I Found God today reminded of His immense loving presence.

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Stay With Me

I have been listening to a podcast based on a retreat by St. Ignatius. This morning I listened to a meditation based on the beginning of the Passion of Christ. The scripture passage Matthew 26:36-46 was the account of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus asked his apostles to stay awake while he prayed, but they could not. He was in agony as He knew the time was coming for Him to be crucified. Jesus could have made it all stop and avoided the suffering, but instead He chose to follow through with God’s Holy and perfect plan. He went back to His friends 3 times and asked them to stay awake with him, but they were unable to. After listening to the account, the reflection was Jesus asking if I would stay with Him? As I pondered this, I thought of my mom. I’m sure my mom would want to end her suffering. Yet, she makes it through each day – one at a time. She also doesn’t want to be alone during this time, so my sister and I make sure she never is. As I agreed to stay with Jesus, I realized I was agreeing to stay with my mom. I can’t change much, I can’t fix much, but I can be here for her and with her.

I Found God today staying with my mom.

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Knew My Struggles

It’s been a rough week. Yesterday I met with a counselor who has been helping me work through my challenges of caregiving and grieving. As I thought about my dad and as I do my best to care for my mom, there are many ways that I wish I could do better – be a better person. Being perfect would be great. I realize that is not the human condition, but it is a real struggle for me. When I checked the mail in the afternoon, I received an envelope from a friend who never sends me mail. I opened it to find she had sent me an article that she wanted me to have. Not only was it thoughtful, it was just what I needed. It started with the words, “There’s no way you can love until you forgive yourself for not being perfect, for not being the saint you thought you were going to be.” I teared up immediately. The article was encouraging and ended with a prayer. The last line was, “Create a loving heart within me.” It was as if God heard me and sent the article directly to me at the exact time I needed it.

I Found God today in an incredibly timely letter of encouragement.

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Many Reminders

As I was driving to an appointment this morning, I saw the moon setting behind the mountain. It was such a beautiful scene that was almost identical to what I saw 2 years ago when my dad entered Hospice Care in the hospital. The first morning I went to see him, I opened the blinds in his room and there was the moon ready to touch the mountain peak. That was a photo my dad always wanted to get. He was non- responsive at that point, but I told him about it. I felt it was God’s little reminder that He was still with us. It’s been a rough few days. Seeing the same scene this morning brought back the reminder of God’s presence.

Also… A friend’s husband passed away a couple months and today’s Mass intention was for him. I invited her to meet at Panera before Mass. I told my friend I was going to get a blueberry scone, but then changed my mind last second and ordered a pecan bear claw instead. As we visited, she said she tries to envision her husband with his people there in Heaven, but wasn’t sure if that was even right or where he actually was. Then she told me that when they were still able to go to church together, they would meet with some friends afterwards. They went to Panera and her husband would always get a pecan bear claw. It was another small way that God was saying He is present. Mass was beautiful and my friend received a blessing from the priest.

I Found God today in so many small reminders that He is with us and I feel especially blessed.

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Many Talents

This morning my mom’s regular CNA was out, so another girl came in. She was wonderful, as they all are. She said she used to be a Hospice nurse for many years, but it started to be too difficult for her as she would form such close relationships with the patients, then lose them. She worked for a hospital now and would fill in when Hospice needed someone. She enjoyed the fast paced atmosphere at the hospital. At the same time, she said it helped her appreciate life. She said since the age of twelve years old, she was volunteering at nursing homes and knew this was her calling. Mom’s nurse also came over for her visit this morning. She told us about her aunt who was blind and struggling with dementia as well. The woman was living in a “Host Home”, which I had never heard of before. The owner of the house has two people living with her who she cares for full time. That was amazing to me. I remembered a friend who also cares for two additional people in her home as she raised her family. I have an enormous amount of respect for her. We compared it to Foster families, which also amaze me. The nurse told of a friend of hers who did foster care and adopted a child. Even though it didn’t work out with all the kids, for that child his whole life was changed – as was everyone who would come in contact with him. Later this afternoon, a parish priest came over to visit and pray with my mom. He was so kind and calming as he reminded mom of God’s promises for Heaven. As I reflected on my day this evening, I was aware of all the different types of people that have the capability and talents to do such different things with their lives. It verified to me that when we are following God’s plan, we make huge impacts in the lives of other people. It doesn’t matter if we think that what we do is small, or unnoticed. If we are with God, what we do will make a difference.

I Found God today in people using their talents for the benefit of others.

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Two Years

Today was the two year anniversary of my father’s death. I had been anticipating this day for several weeks now and wondering what it would be like for my mom. I set up to have my dad prayed for at the parish Mass this afternoon. While mom doesn’t always remember that my dad died, she seemed to this morning. She wanted to go to Mass, but didn’t feel well enough to. She did, however, decide to take the drive out to the cemetery where my sister placed some flowers. It is impossible for my mom to make it out to the gravesite, but my sister took some pictures for her. When we arrived home, my mom could barely move. My sister and I were able to heave her and the wheelchair up the three steps in the garage to get her in the house. We poured her into bed and congratulated ourselves for accomplishing the task. It was a heavy day for us all, but we made it through. I’m grateful for the ability to remember and honor my dad and to once more give him to God.

I Found God today remembering, honoring, and praying for my dad.

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Shampoo Adventure

My mom has been too unsteady to get into the shower, plus it is uncomfortable for her and she gets freezing cold. Thankfully, the Hospice CNA comes once a week and gets her all washed up. However, when I was sitting with mom this afternoon, I realized how badly she needed her hair washed. I had no idea how to attempt that without getting her in the shower, so I looked it up on YouTube and found some very helpful videos. I talked to mom about it and she agreed to give it a try, as long as she didn’t have to get all wet. She sat in her wheelchair which was the most comfortable, and I started by wrapping her up in a big towel. Then, I covered that with a plastic trash bag that I cut open. I put more towels on her lap and on any exposed parts of the wheelchair. I filled up the sink with hot water and drenched a washcloth. I put the washcloth on her head to get her hair wet. I had to do that several times. Once her hair was wet, I used a small amount of shampoo and gave her head a good – but gentle – scrubbing. After that, I used the same washcloth technique until the shampoo was rinsed out. I put in a tad of conditioner, worked it through, and left it in. Then I styled it as usual. It wasn’t as good as getting in the shower, but her hair and head were definitely cleaner. It was easier than I anticipated it would be. Mom enjoyed the pampering, the clean feeling, and the fact that she didn’t get wet and cold. It was a blessing all around.

I Found God today being able to help my mom get a shampoo.

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Be Still

Psalm 46:11 “Be still and know that I am God.” This verse has been very meaningful to me for many years. Tonight was particularly challenging and I remembered this Psalm. It was a reminder that He is God, that I am not, and that He has everything under control for our good.

I Found God today in His reminder that He is God and in control.

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Painting Party

We celebrated my sister’s birthday today with a virtual painting party. Some family came over and other friends and family joined via Zoom. Everyone had a canvas, brushes, and a lots of different colored paints. The instructor on Zoom guided us through how to paint the picture, which was an abstract water and mountain scene with a flourescent swirled sky. I think part of what made it so fun was that it wasn’t meant to look real, just beautiful. Everyone’s picture was similar but different. My granddaughter decided to go on her own and painted a rainbow with clouds and a rainy background. It was beautiful as well. I helped my mom paint hers and she did a great job too. She was pretty tired the rest of the day. Having the painting party was such a fun way to get together and celebrate my sister.

I Found God today getting together with family, using my creative mind, and helping my mom to do the same.

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Grateful Response

I listened to a meditation today based on Matthew 26:6-10. It was about a woman who anointed Jesus with expensive oil while he was at dinner with several apostles and others. The meditation describes the woman as someone filled with gratitude and love for Jesus. It was suggested that her life was changed by Jesus, perhaps He healed her. She was responding in the best way that she possibly could by bringing the most extravagant thing she own and giving it to Jesus. At the end of the meditation was a prayer asking God for the courage and strength to love completely unselfishly – to give all to the One who gives us all. I was reminded again of my own personal healing and how I should be responding in grateful love to the Lord. I realized how much work I have to do in this area and appreciated the prayer for courage and strength.

I Found God today in a grateful, loving response to Him.